Helheim Hath No Fury, and Hela's Feeling Pretty Scorned
by PlushChrome
Summary: Nick Fury is dead, so... where is he? Hela's never lost a subject before. She doesn't know what to do. So she does what every girl in trouble does: She calls her dad. Maybe together they can find the missing Director. Crack!fic, featuring the ever-adorable Loki-Hela Father-Daughter relationship.


_Author's note: I meant to get this story in for Christmas, but I got The Sims 3 on Christmas Eve and then BAM, it was today and the story wasn't finished yet. So sorry. However, it's a hilarious and adorable story, so please, read and review and put it on your favorites list. Because (and maybe I'm just biased) a really fun story. Enjoy._

_PS: ALSO! I have a full-fledged great story coming, chapter one being posted on New Years Day. And this one won't be late because I already have it written. In fact, I have the first seven chapters done because it came in a lightning bolt of inspiration and I couldn't help but write as if my life depended on it. It's great, and I really like it. So, keep your eyes open. New Years Day. PlushChrome. And wait for iiiiiiiiit... Teenage Mutant Agent Avengers. Oh yeah, they also have amnesia. So if you're into that kinda stuff, then, uh... read it? I've talked too much. READ THIS STORY AND FOLLOW ME IF YOU WANT TO._

* * *

As the queen of the dead, Hela is charged with many things. The happiness of her subjects, the care of the land, and most importantly, the successful transfer from the land of the living to the land of the dead. If the transfer does not come through, the land of the living is forced to deal with spirits such as ghosts and zombies and mummies and ugh, vampires. Nobody wants to deal with that. Well, almost no one. It seemed that in recent years, more and more living (mainly preteen girls) wished more than anything to find a vampire of their own. If they knew what that really entailed, well, perhaps they would change their tune.

However, the fact remained that for the dead to continue living created a whole slew of problems, and the prospect of the paperwork alone gave Hela a headache. So she avoided transfer screw-ups to the best of her ability.

As the years turned into centuries and the technology of the realms progressed, problems with transportation decreased dramatically, and, even though she was the only name in caring for the dead currently, and pretty much had the market, Hela couldn't help but feel proud at the end of each quarter, when the numbers came in and she could show the board of directors the amount of days since the last transfer problem. Nowadays, if a soul was lost, it was through the fault of the soul themselves refusing to board, rather than shoddy transport itself.

Which was why, when the transport roster showed one more subject as boarding than were on the transfer, she was puzzled.

According to the records, nine thousand, sixty five hundred and twenty three passengers had boarded the North American Midgardian Express that morning. And after the final count, nine thousand, sixty five hundred and twenty two passengers from North America in Midgard had entered the border. Ordering a search of the Midgardian train, she checked the roster again as she ordered a second group to re-count the new arrivals before giving them their papers.

Checking the two lists against each other, she ran a parallel search, looking for any names that didn't have a match.

Her tablet beeped, and she read the name of the missing passenger. Nicholas Carlton Fury. Ah yes, she'd received his file... Pulling it up, she reviewed it. After 70 years of dedicated service to his realm, Fury had died in an attack on his organization, and was loaded into the transport accordingly. He was to receive a place of honor and a life of ease in Helheim, unless he opted for military duty. Hey, Helheim was a realm same as any other, and had been on the receiving end of attacks its fair share of times. The strength of its army and the subsequent decrease in realm-wide war was another part of board meetings Hela liked, but that was besides the point. She couldn't offer Fury the choice if he was missing.

But how was he missing?! Certainly, there hadn't been an accident during transfer, or more passengers besides he would be unaccounted for. And he couldn't have refused boarding, or she would have been alerted, and his name would not have been included in the passenger roster, as roll wasn't taken until the trip had started, for this very reason.

That left three hours between departure and arrival for the disappearance, and over five hundred million miles of subspace, with the Secret Path (the hidden wormhole) located three hundred million miles into the ride.

All in all, Hela didn't know where to start searching for her missing passenger, and, if his file was any indication, she had little hope of finding him before the required time to mark him as lost in transport. And she really didn't want to mark him as lost in transport. She was nearing the end of the final quarter. How could she keep things in the black with a big inkblot on her pristine monthly record? No, she couldn't afford any negative marks right now.

But... where to look for Fury?

Sighing, she pulled her phone out, swiping her finger to bring up her contacts list. Surely she knew someone who could help, but would keep it on the QT?

...Ah. Now, here was a name she could stand behind. And he had met Fury. He would be invaluable in the search.

Pressing the call button, Hela held the phone up to her ear and waited as it rang.

After a few rings, her call was picked up. "Hela, dearest," a voice said on the other end. "I did not expect you to call."

"Hello, father," Hela said with a smile. "To be honest, I did not expect to need to call today either. How are you?"

"Oh, you know," her father said. "Been busy. End of the world again, and whatnot."

Hela smiled. "Ragnarok business?" She asked.

"When is it not?" Her father laughed. "Those Norns sure repaid my little prank on them with a vengeance. I swear, no single threat is made against Asgard without someone bringing up my supposed upcoming part in Ragnarok."

Hela laughed. "Well, father," she said. "As much as I wish otherwise, this is not a pleasure call."

"Ah, what is it you wish for?" Loki asked. "Knowledge, power... If you intend to ask for money, I told you last time, bills before shoes, dearest, bills before shoes."

"I do not need money, father," Hela said. "And that was one time. Prada, father, they were Prada!"

"I don't care if they were solid gold," Loki said. "Hot water is more important."

Hela sighed in dramatic defeat. "You win," she said. "But actually, I was hoping for your help. I've lost a passenger, you see."

"Ooh," Loki breathed out sympathetically. "I thought you had straightened out the system. Your newsletter said as much."

"I have," Hela said. "Which is part of the problem. I know he boarded, and I know he was on the train after it left Midgard. But when it arrived, he was gone."

"Hmm..." Loki said. "Is anyone else missing?"

"No sir," Hela said. "Everyone else on the transport is accounted for. Somehow, he left the train after departure, leaving him... somewhere in subspace."

"Not an ideal place for mortals," Loki noted. "And how do I tie into all this? Surely you can handle your system better than I. You designed it, after all."

"You tie into this because the missing mortal is one you knew in his life," Hela said. "And I thought you might be able to provide some insight on his methods."

"Someone I knew?" Loki repeated. "It isn't Stark, is it? Because I told him to be careful. If he escaped you, I'm afraid I have no idea what he would do, he's that unpredictable."

"No, it is not Stark," Hela said. "Did you get his Christmas card, by the way? I know I received one."

"Yes, I got it," Loki said. "If it is not Stark, then who?"

"Nicholas Fury," Hela said. "Formerly director of SHIELD."

"Ah," Loki said, understanding. "Yes, he would decide to pose a problem... I shall be right over, we can brainstorm."

"Thank you, father," Hela said. "Shall I have your normal suite prepared?"

"Unfortunately, I cannot stay tonight," Loki said. "Your uncle is declaring war again."

"Dear me," Hela said. "You certainly are busy! Very well, when can I expect you?"

"How about now?" Loki asked from behind her, and hanging up her phone, Hela turned and hugged him. "My, my," Loki said with a laugh, running his hand through her dark hair. "What is this?"

"It has been long," Hela said, stepping back. "You are finally looking back to your old self again. How are Nari and Vali doing?"

"Ah, they are doing very well," Loki said. "Would you like to see a few pictures?"

"Of course," Hela said, as Loki scrolled through his apps until he came to his pictures. Scrolling through them for Hela's sake, she laughed and ooh'd and ahh'd at all the right moments.

"They certainly are mischief makers," she noted as she saw a picture of the boys posed with their Uncle Thor, whose long hair had been dyed pink.

"Yes, they are," Loki said, smiling at the picture. "I don't know where they get it."

After they were through with the pictures, Loki put his phone in his pocket. "Alright then," he said. "Fury?"

"Oh yes," Hela said. "Where do you think I should start?"

Loki frowned in concentration. "You say he definitely was on board at the beginning of the journey?"

"Aye," Hela said. "There is no doubt."

"And he was gone by the time the train reached the station?" Loki continued, now talking more to himself than to Hela. "Do you suppose he exited the train before or after going through the wormhole?"

"I am not sure," Hela said. "Perhaps we should start there, finding out when exactly he left the train."

"Yes, that does seem like a good idea," Loki said. "Let us start there."

Hela pulled her phone out of her pocket and called the terminal manager. "Bane," She said, greeting the conductor by name. "Do you have the results of the search and recount?"

"Aye," Bane said. "There is no one left aboard the train, and all the passengers save one are accounted for."

"Understood," Hela said. "I have another matter for you to look into: Find which car a certain Nicholas Fury was assigned to, and question all passengers and staff regarding said individual, not excluding the conductor. I need to know where exactly he left the train. Get back to me with the results as soon as possible."

"Aye, Your Majesty," Bane said. "Consider it done."

"Thank you, Bane," Hela said. "Keep this under wraps and you can expect a New Years bonus to go along with the Christmas one."

"Thank you, your majesty," Bane said.

Hanging up the phone, Hela turned back to Loki. "I assume that whichever side of the Secret Path he exited, we will still have to search. I shall order the chariot be hitched. Will you accompany me?"

"Of course, Hela dearest," Loki said. "I wouldn't miss a goat-chariot manhunt in subspace, not for all the Nine Realms."

Hela smiled. "I thought as much," she said. "Meet me at the stables in ten minutes. That should be enough time for Bane."

"So what is it with this Bane fellow?" Loki asked. "You are not courting, I hope?"

"Norns, no!" Hela said indignantly. "He is an excellent businessman and a good manager for the station, nothing more."

"Good," Loki said. "Because you could do better."

"I, the Queen of the Dead, could do better than a terminal manager?" Hela repeated. "Good to know, thanks, Father. And who did you have in mind?"

"Oh, nobody," Loki said. "I still can't think of you as any more than a little girl playing with rag dolls and getting into Frigga's mourning ensemble."

"I like black," Hela said. "And I did not know I was not supposed to play dress up without her presence."

"She never could get the tear out of the lace collar," Loki noted.

"Whatever," Hela said. "If you're just going to sit here and reminisce about the past, then so be it. Meet me in ten minutes. Or, seven now, I suppose."

With that, Hela walked toward the stables, teasingly refusing to turn and look as Loki followed after her, laughing.

* * *

Bane called right as they were nearing the wormhole, delivering the news that Fury had definitely exited the train before it had reached the Secret Path, thus putting him somewhere between the wormhole and Midgard. Thanking him, Hela hung up the phone and, after relaying the news to Loki, began driving the chariot toward the wormhole.

"Hela, mind your speed," Loki said absently.

Hela rolled her eyes. "You need not give me driving lessons, father," she said. "I am nearly twelve hundred years old. I know how to drive a chariot."

"My apologies," Loki said. "May I point out, however, that you almost hit an asteroid just now."

"It came out of nowhere," Hela argued.

"Things don't come out of nowhere," Loki responded.

"We're in subspace!" Hela protested. "Things are always coming out of nowhere!"

"Well, I saw it a mile away," Loki said. "But it matters not. The Secret Path is up ahead."

"I don't need directions," Hela said. "I know where my exit is!"

Loki laughed. "Yes, I suppose you're right," he said. "Carry on."

"Thank you," Hela said exasperatedly, teasing him right back. Driving the goats to turn toward the wormhole, the chariot went through, and they were on the other side of the Secret Path.

There was nothing. Well, there were the normal things, light from distant stars, Meteorites filling the air like snowflakes, the vast surface of Jupiter taking up most of the view (the Secret Path being hidden in one of the rings), and the silhouetted planets, dark spots against the fiery burn of the sun.

"It never ceases to amaze me," Hela noted. "The beauty of this realm. How the ever present light of the sun causes every rock to alight in golden splendor, dressed, as if for a royal banquet, in the colors of the eastern sky, bejeweled by the night stars and adorned with the purple mists of the dust of space."

"Eloquent as always," Loki said. "And I share your sentiment. The cars and the sidewalks and the televisions have brought much learning to the realms, but nothing as great as the view of their sky. If only they could look up once in awhile and see it."

"My dealings with the mortals have been few," Hela admitted. "For the opaque film of death leaves them with naught but a few memories upon reaching my realm. Scarce do I get the chance to visit this place. And alas, I have not the time to waste with tourism. I do not see my missing passenger. I suppose we shall have to travel the route and look for him on the way."

"Hopefully we'll find him before we reach Midgard," Loki said. "It's been twenty years, yes, but the Midgardians never forgave me for the incident with the Chitauri."

"I thought it had been explained," Hela wondered.

"To the leaders, yes," Loki said. "Not, unfortunately, to the general public."

"Whyever not?" Hela asked.

"The reporters don't like to print retractions," Loki said.

"Nor do I," Hela noted. "So I don't blame them. However, now I do wish that our search takes us to Midgard."

"Oh?" Loki asked, turning to her and raising an eyebrow in amusement. "And why is that?"

"Because," Hela said. "If they all believe you still to be a villain, imagine what fun it would be to ride into their world, on the Chariot of Death, with I beside you? I could even call in a few favors and have the day darkened for awhile."

Loki laughed. "It would indeed be fun," he admitted. "But I don't think it would do anything for my PR. Please, dearest, we shall terrorize Alfheim or something later. For now, let us focus on our missing guest."

Hela sighed. "Very well," she said. "If our search does lead us into Midgard, we shall have to go in secretly, in stealth. Luckily, we both know how to walk unseen. I am a bit nervous, however, about where to park the goats."

"I can cause them to appear as a helicopter to the mortals," Loki said. "But we would need a landing place shortly after entering the atmosphere, if we hope to avoid tower control."

"Any suggestions?" Hela asked.

Loki sighed. "...One," he admitted. "One I had hoped to avoid, but don't see how we can."

"What's that?" Hela prompted.

"Stark," Loki said with a slight frown. "He has a landing pad on his tower, and he could probably provide us with information on your missing passenger. He has an annoying habit of referring to me by "Lokes" and "Reindeer Games," however, and he still brings up that I threw him out of a window."

"He still gripes about a trifling thing like that!?" Hela said. "And he, a Warrior of the Realm?!"

"It is a serious thing for mortals," Loki defended. "They are not as resilient as you or I, or your uncle. Now, he has been thrown from windows on multiple occasions. But most mortals don't survive the landing, especially from that height."

"It is still foolish," Hela said. "To hold a grudge for all this time. Especially in scale, with them living such short lives."

"It is not a grudge with him, I think," Loki said. "I do believe he just likes to have something to complain about. It is done in teasing, I believe."

"Ah," Hela said. "Such as you bringing up Frigga's mourning ensemble."

Loki laughed. "Point taken, dear," he said. "I won't mention it again."

"Good," Hela said. "Well, if we do end up going to Midgard, I shall go to the tower, then."

Loki nodded. "Let's just hope it doesn't come to that," he said.

* * *

Of course, with Hela's luck, it had to have come to that. With Loki's shimmer causing the chariot to appear as a helicopter, Hela drove the goats to land on Stark Tower, and after stepping down from the chariot and waiting for a few moments, they were met by Tony Stark himself.

"Hey, Lokes," the graying billionaire said. "I see you brought your daughter, Hela. Hello, Hela. I was expecting you'd drop by today."

"Were you?" Hela asked. "You know why I'm here then?"

"Sure thing," Tony said. "Come on down into the tower, we'll talk where nobody can hear us."

Hela and Loki followed Tony down into the penthouse, where Tony indicated two nearby chairs for Loki and Hela to sit in. "Wait here," he said. "I'll go get Fury."

Sharing a glance with each other, Hela and Loki took their seats and waited.

After a few minutes, Tony returned, bringing with him a Nicholas Fury, looking quite the same that he ever had, and certainly not seventy years old. Hela remembered in his file, something about the possibility of his having been affected by some sort of age-slowing serum in his youth, something she believed to be true. Either that or he had found one of the ancient rings of power left by another age. With SHIELD, one could never tell.

"Director Fury," she said, standing as he entered. "Do you know who I am?"

Fury looked from her to Loki behind her. "I'm assuming you are the queen of the dead," he said, in his unmistakable no-nonsense voice.

"Yes," Hela said. "And were you aware that you were due for my realm today?"

"Was I aware that I had died!?" Fury repeated, raising his eyebrows. "Yes I was. It's a hard thing to miss."

Hela huffed. "Than why are you still here!?" She demanded. "I do not like being stood up, director!"

"Well, I don't like being dead," Fury said. "I don't have time for it. There's too much going on right now."

"That's no excuse!" Hela said. "You people at SHIELD are going too far! First with Agent Coulson refusing to board, and then Agent Barton shooting my conductor. I overlooked both offenses, as they happened before the Agents had actually boarded, and as their bodies had been preserved long enough for their spirits to return to them. But you! Not only were you on my train, but your body was incinerated in the explosion! And then you go and disappear in subspace, while in my charge! Do you have any idea what this will look like on my records!? The paperwork will take hours!"

"And I'm sorry for that," Fury said. "But I will not accept death. I just don't have time."

"How are you even here!?" Hela demanded. "How did you get off the train!?"

"You think Asgard is the only alien race to come into contact with us?" Fury said. "I have a Vortex Manipulator. Turns out, it works on spirits too. Even restored my biopattern to my last use."

Hela sighed, putting her head into her hand. "Well, that at least explains the how," she said. "But this is unacceptable! The natural laws that govern the state of being and of death are delicate! I didn't make them up! I strive to fulfill them, not for the sake of the board of directors, not for the profit, but for the balance of order and equilibrium! You cannot continue to meddle in the affairs of death when you do not possess sufficient understanding of all elements at work! It is not something you can control like your helicarrier!"

"I'm sorry, can you say that last line again?" Tony interrupted. "When you said Hela-carrier?"

"Oh, by Odin, don't interrupt one of her rants," Loki said. "Let her get it all out first."

"Thank you," Hela said before turning back to Fury. "I cannot excuse this one, director," she said. "You must return with me to Helheim. "Once a passenger boards, I cannot allow them to return to the realm of the living."

"Well, too bad," Fury said. "Because I'm not going."

"But you must!" Hela said.

"I won't," Fury said. "And that's final."

"Perhaps an agreement can be reached?" Tony suggested. "Maybe like, a contract or something, a 'deal with Death,' if you will? The Devil And Nick Fury kinda thing."

"I am not prepared to negotiate," Hela started.

"You might as well hear him out, dearest," Loki said. "You can always refuse him if you so wish."

Hela narrowed her eyes. "Fine," she said, turning back to Tony. "Go ahead."

"Well, maybe if Fury signs something," Tony started. "Something claiming that his disappearance wasn't a fault of the companies, and he claims sole responsibility, as well as promising to accompany you next time he dies, that should get the higher-ups off your back. As for personal arrangements, maybe you could contract him into a time-limit sort of thing, like he has ten years from today to get his affairs into order, and then he'll die then."

"Twenty," Fury interrupted.

"Fifteen," Hela offered. "Take it or die now."

Fury smirked and nodded.

"And you must join my military on your arrival," Hela added. "One-hundred years of service, with the option of renewal if you desire to stay on at that time."

"Done," Fury said.

"I'll draw up the contract," Loki said with a sigh, materializing a contract with a wave of his hand.

"You should both read it," Tony said. "Just to make sure there's nothing extra in there."

"Really, Stark?" Loki asked. "What could I possibly stand to gain by changing the agreement?"

"Hey, never trust a guy who threw you out a window," Tony said. "Unless they've spent some time as a llama to compensate."

Loki frowned in confusion. "I will never understand your references," he said.

"That's why I use 'em," Tony said. "Seriously, though, read the contract."

Loki handed it to Hela, who passed it to Fury without looking. "As if I would be cheated by my own father," she said.

"But he might cheat on your behalf," Fury said, reading the document carefully. "...This all looks good, though. I'll sign."

"Me too," Hela said. "Does anyone have a pen?"

"Oh, I do!" Tony said, pulling one out of his pocket and handing it to Fury, who signed. He then handed them both to Hela, who took a moment to examine the pen, out of curiosity. It was red with gold accents, and it had "IRON PEN" inscribed on the side.

"Really?" She asked Tony, who shrugged.

"It _is_ Iron Pen," he said nonchalantly.

Hela rolled her eyes and signed. "And there are lines for two witnesses," she said. "Good idea, father."

"Yes, I thought so," Loki said, taking both pen and paper and signing before handing them to Tony, who didn't take it.

"I don't like to be handed things," he said. "Just leave it on the table, I'll have my legal team check it out, I can probably get it back to you by..." He hissed in mock thought. "Maybe Thursday?"

"Just sign the papers," Hela ordered.

"Fine," Tony said, snatching them from Loki and walking over to the table, reading it thoroughly.

"It doesn't even pertain to you," Loki said in exasperation. "You're down as a witness!"

"I don't sign anything without reading it through," Tony insisted. "Just give me a sec here."

"STARK!" Fury barked. "JUST SIGN THE DOCUMENT!"

"Okay, fine!" Tony said, signing it. "Whatever! Here! I was done reading it anyway."

Hela walked over and picked up the contract. "Alright then," she said. "Director Fury, I shall see you in fifteen years."

Turning, she and Loki began heading toward the elevator.

"See ya, Reindeer Games," Tony said. "And you too, Grim Reaper. Though not too soon, I hope."

"Don't get any ideas, Stark," Hela said, turning around and pointing at Tony. "If you don't show up when you're supposed to, I swear by Yggdrasil's Roots, there will be no contract, only long days working in the smelters with those who deserve no better!"

"Got it, princess," Tony said. "I'll be a good boy, I pwomise."

Hela rolled her eyes. "My work here is done," she said. "Ready to go, father?"

"Of course," Loki said, his straight-face hiding the amusement she could see in his eyes. "After you, daughter dearest."

As they left the penthouse and returned to the chariot, Hela couldn't help but allow herself a half smile. All things considered, things could have turned out a lot worse than they had. And hey, at least she'd had an interesting day of it.

* * *

**_Three months later_**

_RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING, RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING, RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING._

Opening her eyes, Hela sighed, reaching for her phone. So much for yoga. Pressing the button to answer, she held it up to her ear. "One day off!" she said. "I take one day off, Bane, and I say specifically, 'no calls!' What is so important that you have to call me on my one day off!"

"My apologies, your majesty," Bane said on the other end. "It's just... we have a problem with the crew roster, involving a missing passenger."

"Not again!" Hela said, putting her head in her hands and groaning. "I can't deal with this again!" Taking a deep breath, she pulled herself together.

"What's the name?" She asked.

"Hold on, let me check," Bane said. "Ah, here he is. His name is Steve Rogers..."

**THE END**


End file.
